I bet I'm a better woman that that!
Over the past few years I have struggled with my voice. That would come as a surprise to many because I talk - a lot. But talking and using my voice are two different things. It's easy to talk, you just open your mouth push out wind and whala, sounds come out. But using my voice requires a level of vulnerability with myself. It means learning the language of Queen's heart - her Soul and then being willing to expose it to the world. Sounds simple and it was even simple to type but lord knows it's one of the biggest non existing hairy monsters under my bed.
If you really knew me you'd know that I can't help but face that monster head on when I see injustice and crimes against Being. I throw caution to the wind and type or talk until my heart and Soul allows me to go silent.
Not too long ago while discussing such a topic with women I had just met, one of the women informed me that "It was obvious that I want and need to be heard because I repeat myself as if I thought I wasn't while standing on my soap box". My response was quick and clear to me.
"My speaking is not dependent on your hearing".
You see I speak not because "someone" need to hear it. I speak because I need to hear me.
I have spent the greater part of my life working on bringing more of the parts of me I enjoy out and managing the parts of me that leave me feeling worthless. I don't spend my life trying to see the best in you anymore. I need to see the best in me. Seeing the best in you don't keep me from falling into the depths of depression - seeing the best in me does.
I need to know by seeing and hearing myself that I would not have been one of those people who stood silent in Nazi Germany. I need to know that I would not have been one of those wives who read her bible while her slave owner husband was raping the wives of his slaves. I need to know that I would not have been one of the guards who excused away their actions with "that's how I was trained". I need to know that I would not have been the one telling the abused that god requires you to submit to those in authority and pray for your leaders. I need to know the best parts of me. To know that I am a better woman than that.
Although I practice the art of sacred Selfishness I like you want to know that I am not alone. So I welcome you into my life as I learn, express and expand into more of my Self, my heart, my Soul. Because no matter where I am today I know that I am a better woman than that.
Your sister friend,