Death on wedding night
Death showed up on my wedding night. I immediately thought "What have I done?" Every day I was reminded of its presence as my heart grieved. I wasn't sure why. At the time I didn't work so I had time to contemplate and think. It's not always good to have too much time to be stuck in one's head but not taking the time out of fear of what will be discovered is worse.
After months I was able to settle on what the matter was. Something had died. I wasn't sure if it was a part of me or a dream I had held but the death was certain. I didn't feel. I didn't feel like I thought I should. I didn't feel how I thought it looked. So I cried out to God and this is what came out "God, I don't know what I am doing or how to do this. If you don't give me an agape love this will not work. Please fill me with unconditional love for him!"
And with that I laid my 6 month marriage to rest. Over the years we have had challenges that have left such a mark that Death was summoned to intervene. I have buried several marriages now. Each one leaving behind traces that they once lived. Each one taking with it a dream, fantasy or desire that wasn't compatible with my reality. Becoming seedlings that would produce the dreams and desires that would strengthen commitment, love and acceptance.
Nevertheless each death, as all deaths do, required grieving. This is the key to the washing away of the harmful elements that arise from daring to love another imperfect human imperfectly. Learning how to grieve that which is lost to the psyche, heart and emotions, whether based on reasonable expectations or childish fantasies, is a must.
My advice to any woman who aspires to a long happy marriage is to learn the Life/Death/Life cycle in all things. In your psyche, emotions, body, spirit and marriage. It is with that knowledge that you are able to intentionally participate in your life. It is with that knowledge that you understand when and what needs to be renegotiated or when Death need be summoned.
Do not fear Death. Study its ways. Know what it sounds and feels like. Understand its voice. Will it have you deliver unto it what no longer serves you in order to generate more life? Learn how to grieve. It is your tears that water the soil that provides the nutrients to your new budding marriage whether with a spouse, a friend or with Self.